The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
