Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just threw up on my dentist
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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