I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
