ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
