Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
