Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
