.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
