I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
