I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
