Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
