I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
