So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
