Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
worst night to have a conscience
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize