I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
