wakey wakey hands off snakey
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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