Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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