What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Bring me that man meat
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
