i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
