wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they're like a gay fantastic four
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
