i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Apparently you make a good broom.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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