I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
