the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
