Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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