I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
