my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
