there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
