It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
