After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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