i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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