imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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