Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize