Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
