Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
