Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
