I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize