No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
