apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
