i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
