dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
