hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
