My room smells like vodka and shame
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
