Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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