i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
