I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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