What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
