A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
