when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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