I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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