dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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