No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
