this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Someone came in the potted fern
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
