And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
