they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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