my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
