You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
