I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize