if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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