Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize